Finally have an hour to do nothing; I don’t care, I love it! #candles #iwantmore #lightitup

What does your #Friday night look like? 19 pages left, heh. #gradschoolblues #idontevenlikeramen

Give me time, and I will give you results.

Two summers ago, my daddy gave me an article about Danica Patrick. He noticed I have a complex in which I tend to look around too often. It isn’t rare that I compare myself to others; environmental factors affect how I saw myself internally. He sat me down at the living room, and asked me not to get up until I understood the article.

Okay - I didn’t know anything about racing, but I figured why not. He put an astrick near a paragraph:

“I told her, ‘If you focus on what you’re doing and ignore everything else, you’ll be fine. Always look forward; never look back,’ ” T.J. Patrick said. “I used to threaten to pull her off the track if she ever turned and looked backward. I’d say, ‘If I ever catch you looking behind you, I’ll park you.’

“She never once turned her head and looked back to see where the competition was.”

I understood the article, but I didn’t apply it. At the most crucial point of my academic career, I look back to this quote. I fear that I’ll finish last, that I won’t be as great as everyone else. Frankly, I am not stopping at grad school, there is more to me than this. What it is, I can’t say yet. 

Though I may not believe it or live by it, I am going to keep telling myself that I am my only competition. 

One day, I’ll believe it. 

“She is not cute.”

Okay - every girl, AND guy have been guilty of commenting on someone’s looks. One one case or another, it may have happened a handful in high school. 

Confession! I have been that girl in high school. My friends and I laughed at other people and their misfortunes. Common vernacular was, “She is not cute. You look better.” My excuse?, other than the fact that there isn’t one; I think high schoolers are just plain stupid, and comment every chance they get. 

As I got older, I learned that calling someone ugly won’t help me out, or slamming someone’s outfit does not make me smarter. I have become more empathetic to others around me and make sure that I always speak respectfully - especially when it comes to looks. In the most frank way, someone cannot help the way they look. When you are an adult, and still speaking like a child, who is blinded by outer beauty, you need to start hanging out with the grown people. In a world that is so educated, we are hardly enlightened. I am 4’11”, not stick thin, my hair gets brittle, and my nose is always oily. Everyday, I am learning to love myself - now, That is cute.

Forgot what it’s like to dress up, I clean up pretty well! Stuntin at #aphig #uic formals. #dolledup #youfancy #ootd

We fight, bicker, laugh, share secrets, hide excess shopping bags from dad, and bump heads. #HappyBirthday, #mom! Another year older, and more beautiful than ever!

A little gift before finals week kicks my ass, from the best @kindivisual . Thank you for playing an amazing show #thehushsound #prefinalstreat #bestever #metro #chicago #greta

Such a sweet man :) full day of work, #grad students, & papers. Came home to a #romantic dinner set up with #Aaron #Neville singing on #pandora, lol. @kindivisual thanks, #sugar 🍴🍪

Changes.

I went to the Doctors this weekend, notice the plural, two doctors. I am the type of girl that needs a second opinion; I got more than what I wanted to know about myself this weekend. One of them being, filtering my life out.

It has always been a great fear of mine to fail, or be sub par. I’ve been playing Wonder Woman for so long that I didn’t realize superheros need a break too. I did something that I consider brave, yesterday. I put in my two weeks :) For most, this would be a strange, maybe stupid idea. I found that putting myself through a 9-5 job while full-time in grad school, part of National Board, going to the gym, having time for myself, and bettering my writing is just not possible. I am spreading myself far too thin. Plus, at work —

1) I youtubed often.
2) I was reading for class.
3) Thinking about new recipes.
4) Doing lunges in the storage room.
5) Reading movie reviews. 

Sure, it seems like a set back now; in 2-3 years it will be different. All good things come to those who wait. 

I can’t find myself when 1/3 of my day is pressed into a job that I don’t need as much as I think I do. And clearly, it was not good for my health. I am just heartbroken over my break from Sephora, going out to eat, Essie, and the shoe department.

Till then.

How late is too late?

This adventure of mine is probably going to end up with an, ‘I told you so.’